Thoughts: Day 30

Reflections
So, I am here and writing for the last day of the challenge. I have learned a lot but the greatest thing I have learned is- I am not who I think I am or who people think I am. I am me. Those images and thoughts will always be there but I have to change my approach to them.

Facing Up
Last night, I had a dream about a black panther(the animal not the group). It chases me around from house to house. I can not escape it. It was only when I face it head on that it starts to retreat. The panther did not change its shape but I changed my approach.

What matters
We all have things we avoid. Place and people that make us shrink away from life. One way to conquer fear is to lean into and do it anyway. I am not talking about dangerous things but about things that make us uncomfortable. When I worked with the homeless in D.C. one of my co-interns said something profound-Be uncomfortable. Meaning, life is about growing, sitting on the edge and facing those things we might want to avoid.

A New Approach
Recently, I watched The Hours. One thing that struck me was the need to live and do so deeply. Sometimes, this may mean spurring the establishment. Yet, at the heart there is more. Living means facing life and death and choosing life. Sometimes, death is people's agendas, your own demons or even silence. Sometimes, living is simply showing up for yourself-win or lose. And, yes-that gets very uncomfortable.

Peace.

Thoughts:Day 29

I am loving this

Look at this. Yuckness indeed.

Something pretty-Here

Thoughts: Day 28

 

Above is my tree. I don't own it or anything but it is mine. I guess-it is one of the things I most love about my apartment. This tree-in all its simple splendor is a constant companion. In a land of sameness-it stands out and always points me home.

When I was in undergraduate, the Draper tower was my landmark. It called me home. As a child, it was the appearance of dense forest that meant I was close to home. I think that home is a interesting word. A home is not just a place we live but a place we belong. I do think that there is a difference.

It is interesting how landmarks can give us comfort and how they etch belonging in our heart. When I see this tree, I know where I am. Even if I was lost or out of sync the whole day-this tree says(/would say), just around the bend is the door to your home. I don't think of this tree as part of this place in geographical sense. I have separated it out and it and made it an emotional landmark. What points you home?

Thoughts: Day 27

Wow, it is Sunday. Wonderful day.
Watching History Channel. Something about the Knights' Templar and the Holy Grail in America Check it out. A monastic military order. What a contradiction.

Thoughts:Day 26

Dinner party day.
Friends, food and conversation. I am so happy to be able to serve my friends. I love them so deeply.
One of my favorite parts of the bible is the scene where Jesus-declares his love for his disciples by serving them. When he breaks and blesses the wine and bread-he becomes one with his friends. When he washes their feet- he show them(and us) true love is uncompromising and has no need to boast.
I am not comparing my dinner with the last supper, that is not even possible. All, I am saying is that love is action and the best place to see that action is through service.

Next month, I will be doing yoga daily. Yikes, I am a little intimidated. Not sure how I will talk about or if I will.

Happy Saturday!

An aside...
Thanks to all the peeps who pitched in with preparations and hosting-Jake, Robert(co-captin)), Tara, Lisa and Jerretta.

Thoughts: Day 25

Discovered this delightful short film via The Happiness Project.

I love it. Truly inspiring. Please check it out and submit your work!

Thoughts: Day 24

Ahhh!! 30 days of blogging has its rewards. Since, I don't always have something to say-I've had to search for people who do. Today, I am singing the praises of Slate Magazine

Something that cracked me up was an article about mayo. Miracle Whip is refurbishing itself to younger, hipper demographic. Is there anything besides the store brand competing? Have people stop eating mayo as much? Just wondering?

Also, at Slate is this article on the Happiness Project about not trying to live the life other people want you to lead.

While you are over at Slate- check out this article Tantrum Index. The piece talks about spanking, aggression and parental perspective.

Thoughts:Day 23

Purple Violets. I watched this the other night. Selma Blair, Debra Messing, Patrick Wilson and Edward Burns were simply lovely. I won't spoil the plot but if you are a writer-this is a movie about writers and very inspiring.
It reminds me of Rachel Getting Married not in story line but in the funny and real way hard choices and situations are faced.

Both movies deal with second chances and self trust but the plots are not full of niceties. Plus, the soundtracks are delightful.

Happy Wednesday!!

Thoughts: Day 22

Today, I am thinking of guilty pleasures. I don't mean anything harsh but quirky/strange likes.
My guilty pleasure list is short and sweet.
1. Westerns. I know they are formulaic but I have a soft spot for them. My grandma loves Westerns and I have some lovely memories of us sprawled on the couch watching John Wayne reruns.
2. Infomercials. I think they are hilarious. I truly enjoy chuckling at them. Although, with the music ones I like to listen for songs I know.
3.Old books with other people's writing in them. It is like reading someone's diary. I love to read books that have a little writing in them. I like to know what other people have thought about the book or why they gave it to someone as a gift.Its feel intimate.



4.Ramen Noodles. I know-how college! Alas, they are simple and yum. At my house growing up, we would eat them as a snack. Always, the innovators we liked to think of crazy things to toss in them.
5.The sound of water. I love water. As, a child, I lived near a creek. In the early 1990s they filled it with fish and they literally poured from the head of the fall. I would always look for those fishes later in life but it was never the same.Still, I would fish with my grandmother and the sound of water reminds of the bayou and my childhood.
Photo Credit:
Life Saving Drinking Water by Julien Harnies

http://www.flickr.com/photos/julien_harneis/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Thoughts:Day 21

Negative voices!! No, I am not hearing things but speaking of those negative thoughts that toss you away. The other day I was being plagued by a sense of fear and negativity and I thought -"what's going on?". The fact is my inner voice can be extremely negative and hurtful.
What to do
We can do something different. We need to relax our grip. When we feel negative we don't want to feel negative. In trying to control our feelings it becomes worse. So, sit with, pray over and let it be.

I don't mean you should let the feeling control you but rather you should accept them and be mindful of your own pain.
One of the worse, things we tell young kids/ourselves is to "suck it up" or "it's okay". In doing this, we are implying those negative feelings are wrong. This lesson of "something is wrong with me" unless I feel the way they think I should sticks to our soul. It marks us with a feeling of shame and lack.

In this state, it is hard to hope. Hope is not an optimistic way of seeing the world but a unchanging joy from within.I hope in hope because it is bigger than me. I am not safe from trails but I am not living by the grip of my hand or the blowing of the wind. Moreover, I don't have to pretend and keep an stiff upper lip-Hope always meets you where you are.

Thoughts: Day 20

Keep it Simple.
This is so much easier said than done. I struggle to not over consume, overcompensate and overdo my life.
I am wondering, what people do to find some sort of balance?

Thoughts: Day 19

19 days of blogging. A feat indeed for a non-committing woman.
At this time,I thought I best post my goals because putting it in writing motivates me.I am very inspired by Gretchin Rubin and her Happiness Project.
However, I will not post Personal Commandments, per say, but a list of things I would like to do this season in my life.
Goals for Fall 2009
1. Stop being tired. Take better care of myself.
2. Blog for 30 days straight.
3. Yoga for 30 days straight.
4. Get together/dinner party
5. Get hair cut professionally
6. Go on a retreat
7. Be Fit.
8. Commit to a church for 30 Sundays/Saturdays
9. Keep 1 sentence journal(thanks happiness project)
10.Go on a road trip.


I will talk about these things how they are affecting my life. I don't plan on tackling all these things at once. Right now, I am blogging and doing some of those things but when i set an intention to do them I will try to focus exclusively on them for 30 days. That does not mean I won't do the other things simultaneously but I will try to focus primarily on that activity at one time or another in a post.

Thoughts: Day 18

I am loving Mark Bittman. I have one of his cookbooks How to Cook Everything and I adore it.

I have cooked so many yummy recipes out of it. It is truly a wonderful cooking reference book.

Thoughts: Day 17

Today is a day to be grateful. Again, a random list of things I love.

Things I love
-Homemade french fries. I like to bake them in the oven dossed with lots of olive oil.
-Fall beers. Not recommending any particular ones but love the fall flavors
-Pumpkin spice. I don't like it in candles but I love it in hot chocolate.
-Leaves are changing slowly. One morning we will wake up and they will be a sea of colors.
-Sunsets in the Fall make my heart burst.
-Cooler weather-now my cardigan is justified.
-Turkey. Love it.

Thoughts: Day 16

Last night, I googled myself. I wanted to see if the blog popped up. Nope, what did pop up was a lot of embarrassing stuff(aka rhyming couplets and trite prose). I did not expect to find that I had won the Pulitzer but I was not thrilled to see what I saw. Yet, I am glad for that torrid past. When I wrote most of those things I was a sad,sad girl. I can not even comprehend the angst I was living in at the time. That person does not even feel like me.

Looking at my notebooks and that search, I find a lot of self-loathing and so much preoccupation with others. What do they think? What do they want? This preoccupation is not service based but ego based and it is sad. My heart breaks for that girl. She was so desperate to be loved and known. Her skin was marred with disappointment. Her memory lives on and I love her. I suppose she had to be-so that I can be.

There are times, I have wished those dark nights away but now I see them clearly. That there is something amazing about light on a slant, something merciful about tears and something lovely about being met where you are. There was a moment in time when that girl handed her cross over and stop trying to bear the weight of the world on her own two shoulders.

In writing, this post I hope not to free myself form that girl. For her memory is in my bones but to honor her and love her. The past is not something to hide from but something to embrace. Here's to LIVING!
Photo credits:
ginnerobot

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ginnerobot/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Thoughts: Day 15

Halfway there!
I may never blog again after these 30 days. Kidding, but maybe not.
So, what have I learned now that I have almost achieved my goals.

-I work best with a time frame. When I know I have to do something for a limited amount of time, I am more likely to do it.
-Easy does it. Sometimes, you have something to say and other times you don't. Regardless, just say it and don't pressure yourself to be great.
-Showing up. It is great to show up for yourself no matter what.
-Learning more about internet language. I have learned a lot about html and that is something I relish.
-Being myself. Regardless of readership, I have been true to who I am.
-Lastly, challenging myself to do something hard. It is a bit hard for me to commit to projects and this has been a real challenge.

Just a few reflections on this 30 days of blogging.

An orange suprise

I am working on this new pattern. The stitch is simple but I like the chunky look. I am listening to some Debra Killings and cooking some homemade fries before I dive into more work.

Thoughts: Day 14

Last night, I finished reading Max Lucado's-Applause in Heaven. Not my usual avenue of books but very nicely written.

Currently, I am yearning to read Autobiography(part of the Art Works series) by B. Steiner and Jun Yang. It is on the shelf and beckoning me. Alas, must read about information organization before I can have any eye fun.

Happy Monday!

Thoughts:Day 13

Eternity. That seems to be the buzz word these days. Death is not something the American culture likes to think about. We do anything to avoid it. We hate the fact we can't control it and that it is so unpredictable. Yet, it is the great equalizer.

I love that Holy Sonnet by John Donne-"Death Be Not Proud". Donne wrote those sonnets after years of pondering more earthly pleasures. I will say that his work as a whole is excellent but this my favorite piece by him. It tells the truth of our fear of being undone by death and the glory of the resurrected Christ, who overcame death. I think that regardless of philosophical/theological beliefs, we are all undone with the thought of death at one time or another in our life.

The art of living,in my opinion, is putting your time in what you treasure. I think that the worst thing is to have wasted your life pursing things that don't matter or that you don't even truly care about.

Live in passion.

Thoughts:Day 12

Listening to Sustainable Suppers podcast. This particular podcast features Jessica Schroeder. This episode touches on the way our fashion impacts the earth and how we can choose what we value based how we spend. This is not one those thump the nose shows though-they are realistic about the benefits of mass manufactures and not condescending to those who choose to partake in them.

Thoughts: Day 11

Thoughts...
In his song Dare to Believe, singer/songwriter David Wilcox hits on something.
He sings-
Do I dare believe and let love lead my life
Could I not believe and leave that love behind?
Do I dare believe and let love lead my life
Could I not believe and leave that love behind?

I think he touches on something deep within us all. The choice between love and hate. It is hard to believe love can change the world. I don't mean feelings but actual actions. Love without action is just wishful thinking. I don't think it matters how big or small the action is but that we make a step for good.

For more David Wilcox lyrics check out LyricsDepot. Or pick up his album The Nighshift Watchman.
Happy Friday.

Thoughts: Day 10

Sometimes, we hit the ground running. Liz Wright has a beautiful song about that-which I will not attempt to sing. Nevertheless, the semester is in full swing. I feel a bit out of it. Not that I am not doing the work or going to class but like I am observing all of this and not really a part of it. Still, one must press on with some sense of joy and purpose. Mother Teresa says, "Peace begins with a smile". So peace to you all and many smiles.

5 things that make me smile:
1. Fresh laundry
2. Juicy Summer tomatoes
3. Stupid movies
4. Ice Tea
5. Soft rain

Thoughts: Day 9

Thoughts...
This will be short because I have to read for class. Today, I am rejoicing in a way. I am seeing things clearly. Mainly, I am seeing how certain habits, people or foods rob me of my life. No, I'm not being dramatic or maybe I am. I am just realizing that what we put our thoughts and time into is what we value. Thus, I need to be careful what I am giving myself to. So, hours of shopping-yep that is a time waster. Hours of worrying about people's opinion of me-not too smart, hours of trying to please or impress others-a bit wasteful. Not that I am perfect or expecting to perfect myself(because that is not possible). I'm just saying that there is more to life than stuffing yourself with stuff and agendas.
Also...
I am cooking some fried potatoes or rather smothered potatoes. They are fried but not deep fried. They remind me of my mother. She loves them and hot sauce. I miss good tamales and fresh salsa. My mother did not make the later two but they are staples of the Southwestern diet and for good reason-yum.

I'm grooving to some Sara Groves-I Saw What I saw. Inspirational love.
My guilty pleasure in music-Keri Hilson. Wicked Beats and funky lyrics!!
Reading-(besides homework)Home is the Place You Left-by Elmgreen and Dragset

Thoughts: Day 8

Thoughts...
Questapoolza was amazing. Third Day rocked. J and I screamed jumped and had a blast. I enjoyed the other groups but I was so impressed that the closer was a class act. In total about 8,500 people gather in the field at QCC. Check out Pastor Pete Hise,, of QCC, reflections on the event.

Oh, the chair was actually, green. J and I found out while the chair is nice-really you have to be on your feet to see the bands and to embrace the joy of the moment. It was really too exciting to just sit. Believe me, I wanted to and did(b/c my feet ached) but really after a while the joy of the moment overtook even that.

Also, I saw some old friends and that was lovely. I am always glad see former classmates and friends.
Plus, had the most wonderful time eating really good junk food. Rib-eye sandwiches are the things of dreams.

The rest of the weekend was bitter sweet. Mainly, sweet.
I find myself in an odd place in life but that it okay. The more we struggle with life the more crazy it becomes. Sometimes, we have to let go and let God. I think that there is a hard line between faith and fruitlessness(i.e. sitting on your thumbs) but I am trusting that this is the place in life I need to be at and leaning into the peace of acceptance. Allowing grace to filter into the cracks and overtake me- may be the most proactive thing I do.

As usual, I find solace in the psalms. Psalm 23, which is one of my favorites, is not far from my heart. I just found out in the Hebrew scriptures it actually number 22.

A wonderful post on Zen Habits about just doing something interesting.

As usual, there is nothing like Mother Teresa, to put things in perspective. She says, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love".

Thought: Day 5-7

Thoughts...
Yes, this is cheating a bit but-it's my blog so I can make up the rules.
It is labor day weekend and I refuse to labor at my computer more than I have to.

This morning, I got up feeling a wee bit blissful and very thankful. I fell asleep around 7 p.m. last night, woke up at 10(ish)p.m. to chat with J, and went back to bed until 8 a.m.
Lovely.

I found this delightful blog called Fussy. This particular entry is modeled after craig's list but it is for the closet. Funny.

Saw something on Ysolda.
that I would love to knit. Fingerless gloves. Sexy and smart.


This morning I will be listening to the some Billy Holiday. I have missed Billy and can't wait to settle down to some homework and that luscious alto.

Otherwise, tomorrow is the grand opening of the new Quest Community Church building and Questapoolza.

Have a wonderful labor day weekend. Adios.

Thoughts: Day 4

Thoughts...
This is much harder than I thought it would be. I don't want to post everyday but I must try. The fact is no one is really interesting enough to warrant a post a day.
So today I will talk about what I am thankful for.
1. Lately,it seems that many of my friends are getting their due. Jobs, rewards(a roof) and extra pay that they have been needing. It is truly amazing to be apart of their joy.
2. I have managed to get to work at 7 a.m. It is hard feat because who wouldn't want to sleep until 7 rather than being up and working.
3.I have discovered some amazing blogs that are truly inspiring and that is wonderful. I love reading other people's thoughts. I kind of wish these things(blog) were little mini books-it would be easier to curl up with them.
4. Questapoolza will be this weekend. Jesus Freaks Unite(kidding). It will be interesting. I have never seen myself as a concert(er)-so that should be a crazy experience.
5. There is a slight nip in the air. Awww...the weather I was born for. The weather of sweaters, cardigans and stylish scarves.
6. I am reading a book that mirrors my love for food and writing. Well, I am really reading but is feels like the first time.
7. I can't get "You won't relent" by Kim Walker out of my head. Love it. Love it. Love it.
8. Finally, J is coming over this weekend(Questapoolza). I haven't seen him in a while. I believe he has a pink chair with my name on it.

So today is full of wonder and most of it has little to do with my actual life. Or maybe it does.I am always amazed at how emotions ebb and flow and how joy and sorrow burst forth at any given moment. Anyway, today is not a day for philosophizing but for celebrating. Happy Friday.

Thoughts: Day 3

Thoughts...
Today, has been a busy day. I have been learning some more html at work. Right now I am taking a break between homework and work and writing this post. I am watching the "Vicar of Dibley". It is a BBC series. I was turned onto this and many others BBC productions via my local public library. British humor is so unusual but I seem to get on with it. I love the beginning introduction. There is a lovely rendition of "Psalm 23".

Links...
Adagio teas is having a special. I haven't shopped there in a while but I am when I did it was lovely. This place sells loose tea-so make sure you have a proper infuser(you can pick one up on the Adagio site).

Also, if you are book list loverUSA Today has a list of must-read books for 2009.

Thoughts: Day 2

Right now I am at my computer. Listening to the "A Fine Frenzy". The song titled-The Minnow& the Trout. It is a mellow number .


 
I feel inspired. I finally got all the MS office Suite from UK.

I am so happy to have OneNote. I am an addict. I love the folders, the organization and the compactness. Hopefully, I will do some more writing, art, etc.


 

 
Otherwise, I must get some sleep as tomorrow is a work day.


 
One of my new challenges is to blog for 30 days in a row. Unfortunally, I did not remember that until now and I am too tired to be my usual wonderful witty self.


 

 

 

 

Thoughts: Day 1

Link...
I could not resist this little article from the Times about Facebook. I guess people are flying coup. Not in droves but for some very real reasons.

Thoughts...
Otherwise, I had to rearrange my living room yesterday. I woke up a wee but sore. This is really my own fault. I can't really do my homework in my bedroom. Or, rather I won't really do my homework there.

As you all may know- I have some hermies and today one of them decided to change it shell. Now, this is not an easy breezy thing, it takes days and the thing looks like a dead shrimp. I am sort of proud(shedding means the hermie is comfortable) but a little freaked.

This weekend is Questapoolza for all you Lexington Metro(really?) peeps who like(Christian) music. It is being held at Quest Community Church. Check out Quest.

I hope to have my goal list down and online soon enough. Off to homework land.

Free...
If you like a desktop calender, check out Chocolate and Zucchini . Every month she(Clotilde Dusoulier) post a new one for the taking.

Adios.