A bit of time

This evening we went strolling downtown, through a small walking park and aloof to the call of busyness. It felt good.

Today, I have felt a mesh of emotions concerning a crossroads decision. I have been thinking this decision defined me. Made or broke me. Hopefully it will. I need something to shape this chapter in my life, redefine my goals and break this trance I've been in lately.

The thing is I am choosing not to be undone. I am choosing to believe this is not the end or the beginning. Just a road.

Right now, we will head to our kittens, roll out some dough, chop some veggies and keep on.

Starting here

Tonight, it is late and I am journaling/journeying. Listening to some calming chants, kittens underfoot and b. close by.

This has been a week of stripping, refining and its still not done.

However, I have dug to the root of my dissation-disconnect. A deep disconnect with my hopes, community and grace. These things fold and hold me. I don't want to live such a me focused life.

Not that my wants and needs are not important but they were/are becoming the most important things about me. That's not how I'd like things to be.

So, I'm giving myself some slack,trying to find quiet space and humor. It's not perfect but it is the a legacy of living that start right here in me.

Starting here.
Right here.
Amongst the mess.
The rubble.
Aches.
Twisted yarns.
Open yearning.
Healing songs.
Imperfection that sends shivers through my throat.
I Won't fight life.
I'll just Be.

Daring

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”
-Audre Lorde

This evening I did a yoga practice heavy on balances. Balances take a lot out of me because they require so much focus.

I literally have to breathe with attention or I am likely to fall on my face. Truth be known, sometimes despite my focus I still topple over.

I use to be/am very sensitive about this- my falling over. I want/ed to be the perfect yogini- who performs every pose with just the right amount of grace and ease.

The trouble with performances, they are just that performances. Good and even worthy, they leave something to be desired when it comes to yoga.

Even on the most off days, a practice full of teetering and stumbling is the greatest gift you can give your mind and body.

It is powerful to fall, to know that your next movement may be wonky but to do it anyway.

Is there a place you are feeling wonky and showing up anyways?

Finding my way

Have you ever tried to find you way. I mean really dug deep in your soul in a pool of quiet fumbling toward the center. I have a few times and usually it's mushy and unclear.

About 4 years ago. I was considering a year in Denver but I was offered a mediocre job that I took instead. Don't get me wrong it did not seem so bad at the time. And looking back it was very helpful and led me to many good things.

Four years ago, I heard a voice in my heart that said-go but I stayed. I don't think it was a particular location that I needed to go towards. No, my heart was yearning for service, hope and it's path. I'm not sure that Denver would have made things any clearer. All I heard was go but I did not believe what was offered was better than what was. I'll never know and that's okay.

The point is I made a choice with all it's consequences and rewards and am very happy with it. In some way, I feel like I am on the edge of another "Denver". I'm dragging my feet, hoping to be granted a stay and knowing I must be unafraid.

What are you wrestling with today?

Facing up

Lately, I've been quite quiet on here.
Life has been full and I have struggled with knowing just what to share.

I always view writing as carthatic. It's something I use to get to the root of it all. My blog has served as means of exploring my life. However,as more people read it, I feel less compelled to share on the level I would like.

No, I am not ashamed of anything I put on here but there is this censor that tends to appear.

My censor is that nasty little voice that says.- it doesn't matter, that's boring, etc. I listen to her way too much.
In other areas, I've been calling her bluff. I thought I would face up and do it on here, too.

Dear censor:
It matters. It all matters.

Have a great weekend
And keep reaching!!

Seizing the power

I just realized that I have been M.I.A. I mean, I knew I was but had no idea how much. You see I have been wanting some very particular things to happen considering a work situation and it has not. Not from my lack of trying. 

In the meantime, I have been living on pins and needles and being a Negative Nelly{as they say}. As you know that is really no way to live. I dislike holding my breath, waiting for perfection and being all tense and edgy. Not a good look for me.

I'm still working to toward my goals but I am also trying to have gratitude for what the many good things that are already in place in my life. I think on some level I always think that if I am not worried and badgering myself nothing will happen. That really isn't true.

My friend diana, gave me a word recently: Power

I need to take my power back from the black hole I tossed

it in. Otherwise, I am bound to end up there with it.

Reclaiming it seems hard and it is because what exactly is power and how does one exhibit its characteristics in her life?

Like any good pilgrim I am open but hesitate. Ready but unwilling. All I know is that right now, I am set to pay attention to life, to make space around my disappointments and seek new opportunities. *Gulp* that feels like a mouthful. 

And it is. 

 What are your thoughts on powerful living?

What are you reclaiming lately?

The year is over, a new one just begun

Well, here we are in 2012.
*Deep breath*  and sound of glee.
I promised myself that I would reflect privately on last year and I have and that I would refrain from making sweeping declarations and proclamations about this year. So, you won't find much in the way of hard-core reflection here. However, I would kinda like to share where I am at, so to speak.

One of my favorite bloggers said, she was hoping for a small year and I concur. That is not to say that I don't want lots of good things to happen because I do.But I am going to stop pushing to make it. For one thing, I am not even sure what "make it means" and another it's just too exhausting.

Last year was the year of the great failures (and some successes). What I mean everything was mushy and confusing. So many wrong paths, too many sad songs. And that's okay.  There are so many new opportunities and avenues to explore and that is wonderful. I plan on exploring away.I'm just not trying to make any particular one the center of my world. Some people would call this plain lazy or maybe non-attachment. Whatever, you label it. I am just easing into the year.

Happy week!